My life and all that

I was born at the age of 0 some while ago in Mortimer, Berkshire. I'm not sure what my mum and dad were doing at the time. Dad seemed to have a different job every week. He was the village baker for a while, then he sold ice cream, and for a while he carried bacon slicers about. Later on he was a telephone operator, a taxi driver, and someone who put electric wires into exhibition halls.

I think Mum worked in shops mainly, including the dry cleaning shop we had when I was four.

I do know what my grandads did. Grandad Blake was a sales rep and Grandad Bosley was a gardener. Grandad Bosley worked for a rich publisher and could swing a big scythe all day long. Grandad Blake worked for a printing firm and gave me little square pads to write on. I decided to become a writer when I was about five. My dad told me I could never make any money at it and he was about right.

Christmas always seemed to be white in those far-off days, the sun shone every day, and the summers went on for ever. Children never answered back, no-one needed to lock their back door, and the tooth fai

Note from Blue Soup (webmaster)

Oh dear. I'm afraid Jon has begun to get very boring again. For this reason I've had to cut him off and replace his rambling nonsense by interviews with various folk who knew him.
The identities of these people have been changed for legal reasons, and to give them funnier names.

Edna Strange (teacher at Heathfield Junior School, Southampton):

Jonathan was always happy to let us all know exactly how much he knew. He once suggested I put a brass plate on his desk saying JONATHAN BLAKE SAT HERE, so people could visit it when he was famous.

I'm sure you can imagine how amusing I found this.

Jonathan also had a habit of getting crushes on girls. When this happened he didn't seem confident at all, and sometimes couldn't even talk properly. He also had a peculiar fear of fainting in assembly, and every morning developed a different sickness so he could stay in the cloakrooms. Maybe this was how he became good at writing stories.

I remember him deciding to write a novel called “The Sporting Holways”, but in the middle of chapter three he went off to play football.

Crispin Fellows (master at King Edward VI Grammar School For Boys, Southampton):

Blake minor was here for seven long years. He always arrived for afternoon Latin class sweating like a racehorse from playing football. In the second and third years he had the main role in the school play, so in the fourth year we didn't give him any part at all, just to bring the cocky twerp down a peg or two.

I don't think Blake minor thought much of this wonderful old-fashioned grammar school. In the sixth form he was editor of the school arts magazine and filled it full of comic strips taking the mickey out of our great traditions. We took away his sixth form society badge so he had to go out of the junior gate with the babies. I'm sure that taught him a lesson.

Dave Grabbit (manager of Habels Ltd furniture and carpet store, Parchment St, Winchester)

I 'm not sure how Blakey ended up working for us. He did say he'd been a drama student in Exeter for a while but didn't like all the poshoes. Either that, or he'd fallen in love and it had all gone wrong or something. Anyway, all the old ladies liked his long curly hair, so we kept him on for a year or so. When I got bored I used to aim a pebble at his feet and see how well he could dance. I'll give him credit, he skipped about quite nimbly.

Blakey got very fit working here, lugging wardrobes about and digging carpets out of the monster carpet mountain. One of the other junior salesmen taught him how to ride a motorbike and another one taught him how to set fire to the shop. I understand he's used some of these adventures in stories and tv plays. I hope he hasn't written about me, because he might not be so quick on his feet now.

Dr Beavis Wilding (Jon's personal tutor, York University):

Jon Blake? Was he the fellow who organised those fearful discos? Sorry, University lecturers can't be expected to remember all our students. Or any of them, for that matter.

Frank Chalk (Head teacher, Bretton Woods School, Peterborough)

This was Jon's first job after college, and he made a common mistake of young teachers. He tried to be friends with the pupils. By the end of the first week he was chasing round the school looking for them, and by the end of the year he still hadn't found them. I hope he is getting over his bad dreams now, wherever he is.

Brenda Ashtray (Head teacher, Chilwell Comprehensive, Nottingham)

Jon was here for a couple of terms then left to become a punk rock star in a band called the Cutouts. I can't remember hearing them on the radio – did they ever make it?

Primrose O'Grady (Jon's first agent)

JJ sent me some interesting stories about a furniture shop. These were rather far-fetched (for example, in one story, the junior salesmen accidentally set fire to the shop!). However, they were quite amusing for people with a slightly twisted sense of humour. After a couple of years we managed to get a teenage novel published, then another one. After that JJ sent me absolute rubbish for a few years before I saved his career by suggesting he write some nice big picture-books for little children. I'm glad to see he's had over forty books published now. One or two are still in print!

Bill Bellywhack (Jon's neighbour, Adamsdown, Cardiff):

If he doesn't turn that b................... music down he won't be writing any more b................ books.

Note from Blue Soup

That's all for the interviews. However, I am going to let Jon have one last chance to tell you a little about his life today, as no-one else seems to know anything about it.

My life today

I've lived in Cardiff since 1987 and I've had a few jobs here, but nowadays I mainly write, make music, and protest against things. I live with my partner Natalie, who's a journalist, and my cat Floose. I found Floose in the back garden about ten years ago. She was a calico with big black ears, the most beautiful cat I'd ever seen (you can find her in Space Rock and Five A Side, where she's called Batcat). She is the only cat I've known who purrs as she's biting you. Unfortunately, however, she has one particularly annoying habit. She sharpens her claws on the carpet. Bit by bit she is ruining it. This may not mean much to you kids, but as you get older, you realise how important it is to have a nice carpet. My present carpet is 80% wool, and believe me, 80% wool carpets are not cheap, in fact

Note from Blue Soup

I'm sorry everyone. I gave him a second chance but he blew it. I suggest you return to the homepage and try to find something more interesting.